


I Choose to Live

by Empress_Of_Edenia



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura has depression, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, F/M, Getting Together, Implied Suicide Attempt, Keith is a guitarist, Lance is the band's manager, Pidge is a bassist, Shiro is the lead singer, everyone is human, hunk plays drums
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 14:32:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13683630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empress_Of_Edenia/pseuds/Empress_Of_Edenia
Summary: Allura Singh Rao is on a mission: to find the guitarist of her favorite band, Black Lion, and let him know just how much his music means to her. Will she succeed? Exactly how will Keith take it? There's only one way to find out.





	I Choose to Live

“Yes, Coran,” said Allura over the phone. “I’m certain this is the right place. I can see it on the sign.”

The older man groaned into the receiver. “It’s not too late to come home, if you like. Just in case there isn’t enough parking, or the building is too crowded.”

“I found a spot several minutes earlier than most people here,” Allura informed him. “And it isn’t as if I’ll be trying to squeeze myself onto the dance floor.”

“That doesn’t mean there aren’t ruffians and shady folk skulking around elsewhere,” Coran reminded her.

Allura knew he couldn’t see it, but she set her mouth into a hard line anyway. “If that’s what has you fretting over me like I'm six years old, then I suppose all of those self-defense classes you made me go to were pointless.”

“No, they weren’t.” He sighed before continuing. “I’m sorry. I just don’t like the idea of you being out this late. Even if you weren’t, well, _there_. You have classes tomorrow and a therapy session, no less!”

“I know, but I will be fine,” she insisted. Allura tried to convey as much appreciation for Coran’s concerns as possible when they weren’t face to face. “I need to do this.”

“Then off you go,” he said. The smile was audible in his tone of voice alone. “Call me when you’ve found this person you’re always going on about. Or if you should need anything. Or just for the sake of calling.”

She had a chuckle at that. “I will, I promise.” Allura ended the call and tucked her cellphone away. She looked ahead of her at the door to the after-hours bar, Black Lion’s choice of venue for their aftershow party. The line to get in wasn’t very long and the doormen barely glanced at the ID she flashed them. No real obstacle stood between her and her end goal. Yet the idea of actually being here made walking like a normal person seem foreign and set her nerves on edge. Well, more on edge than they usually were. Allura fought through them, entering the bar with only her wits to keep her going.

The counter seats were filled from beginning to end. Those who wanted a drink and hadn’t gotten themselves a table were hovering close by. Allura scanned the room for a good few minutes until her eyes fell on a door, located in the back in a far-right corner. A handful of people were crowded by it, showing off what looked like passes of some kind. Her pulse quickened. He was somewhere in that room. Allura made a beeline for it, bobbing and weaving her way through the crowds. She wound up accidentally knocking a couple of clubgoers out of her way, but there was no time for apologies. Time spent saying sorry in a noisy bar would be wasted on these patrons. Besides, he could be gone by then.

She had to wait for three more people to be checked, but that didn’t stop her from standing up on the balls of her feet or leaning a little to the side in order to get a better view. These groupies towered over her in their platforms, though it wasn’t entirely impossible to steal a glimpse. The lounge looked cozy enough. Shiro took up most of the couch, as did his swooning harem of fangirls. Hunk had his own group to entertain, talking about God knows what in between bites of pizza, and Pidge was dividing her attention between her PDA and the few people who came to hang out with her. But Allura didn’t see _him_ anywhere. Where could he be?

“Hey there, gorgeous,” said a voice that pulled her out of her troubled thoughts. “You sure aren’t one of our regulars. I’d remember a face like that.”

Allura didn’t recognize the lanky man leaning in the door frame. She had to look him over twice to figure out who he was. Oh, right. This guy went everywhere that Black Lion did. She sometimes saw him going over technical details with the band between live shows. But his name still escaped her.

“I’m Lance,” he said as if on cue. “Black Lion’s manager, the second biggest deal around here. And you are…” Lance took the backstage pass hanging around her neck between two long, slender fingers. Those fingers dangled a little too close for her comfort, but he was mindful enough not to actually touch her. “‘Allura Singh Rao.’ Nice, I like it.”

Her cheeks burned red. She distanced herself from him while he inspected the pass so as to give herself some space.

Lance let the pass go. “Shiro’s got his hands full, right now. But if you give him a few more minutes, I might be able to squeeze you in.”

“I am not here for him,” Allura corrected, blinking confused eyes at Lance. “I’m actually here to see if-”

“That’s a first. But hey, nothing wrong being a little weird,” he interrupted. “Hunk’s a chill guy, I could introduce you to him. He wouldn’t mind more company. Right, bud?” Lance called over his shoulder to Hunk, who gave the both of them a smile and a wave.

She frowned. “No, I came for-”

“Pidge is your favorite, then? Cool, cool. Hey, Mini-Me! You’ve got another visitor!” He shouted to the bassist.

Pidge shot a glare in Lance’s direction at the remark, but her features changed when she saw Allura. Black Lion’s bassist gave her a more sheepish grin. It curled up at the ends and sat on a crooked angle. She adjusted her glasses, then went back to her PDA.

Allura swore the little vein in her forehead was going to pop at any given moment. “For the last quiznacking time, I have _not_ come for Shiro, Hunk or Pidge.”

Lance shrugged nonchalantly in the face of her anger. “Alright, alright! No need for that kinda language. Beautiful girls shouldn’t cuss that much, you know.” He laid off on the charm, going back to semi-professional. “Listen, those are all the important people here, okay? Whoever else I didn’t mention probably left.”

Despair washed over Allura and nearly swallowed her whole. The rate at which her heart was going was too fast, too hard. It pained her to keep talking. “Then… then he cannot possibly be here.”

“If you’re talking about Mullet, then nah. I doubt it,” Lance confirmed.

She shook her head in disbelief. “I must be going.”

He called out to her as she turned to leave. “Don’t be sad, cutie. I’m pretty fun to be around, too.” He flashed her a set of pearly white teeth.

“I said I am leaving,” she hissed.

The clubgoers who’d blocked her path earlier now parted like the sea,  when they saw Allura storming off from the afterparty. If it didn’t come with real life repercussions, she would’ve let the fire in her veins burn everyone alive. Blasts of chilly night air hit her in the face the minute she was outside. Allura walked as far from the bar as she could, until she was certain that she couldn’t see the terrible back room from the window.

She wound up on a next to a streetlight pole, with no real reason to stay in this part of town. Allura stood there, completely at a loss as to where to go from here. People around her were leaving as their rides showed up. The only logical thing to do was to ring Coran like she promised. He would never judge her for screwing up, no matter how much she deserved it. Allura fished her cellphone out from her purse, but didn’t have it in her to dial his number. Her hands were too shaky and the knot in her throat would ruin the call.

‘Coming out here was a waste of everyone’s time,’ Allura chastised herself while putting the phone away. ‘Why must it always turn out this way? Why must I always fail?’ Frustrated tears were pricking the back of her eyes. Allura willed them back inside. No, she wouldn't let herself crumble as easily as she once used to. In times as desperate as these, she needed to pull through. Just like Dr. Kolivan told her each week.

“You are too big a gift to this world,” he would remind her after their hour and a half was over, “to waste your time on self-pity.”

Tonight was certainly no different from all of the other times she had faced her hurdles with this mantra in mind. Gathering all of the strength she had left in her, Allura straightened her posture and let her features harden. She took in a series of meditative breaths, another one of the doctor’s orders.

Allura pulled the collar of her blazer close to her once she was done picking herself back up. Only now did she regret not taking the weather forecast into consideration. ‘It’s absolutely miserable out here,’ she thought, ‘I really should just go home.’ The parking lot wasn’t too far a walk from where she was standing, after all. But she couldn’t give up so easily and drive to her flat empty-handed. Allura’s only solution to this restlessness was to take a walk around this particular block. To clear her head and come up with another plan. ‘Surely there is something I can do,’ she reassured herself.

She didn’t get farther than two houses when she smelled tobacco. A rather potent sort of tobacco, at that. ‘Father was fond of that brand, I recall.’ She wondered where it came from, as there wasn’t anyone around that she could see. Allura followed the scent, letting it take her some steps back and a little ways into the road. It was leading her to an alley behind the venue where Black Lion was still partying. Plumes of smoke wafted around the man occupying it. They made it hard to see who he was without getting closer. Not something Allura was interested in doing. Better to leave such people alone, rather than make her night any worse.

Still, Allura was compelled to keep walking toward the alleyway. Against her better judgement, despite every alarm in her head going off, she walked. Allura didn’t stop until she found herself at the mouth of the alley. She could barely move. This man looked so familiar, even though Allura knew she had never met him until now. If she wasn’t mistaken, this stranger’s face saw her off to class every morning. His face hung above her bedpost and watched her breeze through most of her thesis papers. Another gust of wind cleared some of the foggy plumes away. At that point, he realized he was no longer alone out here and met her gaze. Allura’s heart stopped. It was him. Keith Delmar was standing only a few feet away.

His body language suggested a sense of casualness, but she knew better than to take cues from just that. His eyes told a more conflicting story. They had been a little hazy a moment ago, though as soon as Keith saw her, those dark blues turned to steel. They fixed on Allura with what she hoped was surprise. To be honest, it was closer to standoffishness. He looked like he would take off sprinting the moment she gave him reason to. The fact that he hadn’t said anything yet didn’t help with that impression. Allura took caution in approaching him because of this. Coran would never let her hear the end of it when he found out about this encounter, but it was now or never. For all she knew, this could be the last show that Black Lion were scheduled to play in her city. If she let him go without so much as a thank you, Allura might never see him again in person.

“You’re with Black Lion.” That was obvious to her by now, though it didn’t seem all that real until she said it out loud. “Goodness, it really _is_ you.”

Still no input from Keith. He crossed his arms once she was in his space, his eyes unwavering. The only thing that changed about them was the fact that they were inspecting her all over. He took quite a bit of interest in her backstage pass.

Allura took the lanyard from around her neck and handed it to him. Her hands folded in front of her while she waited.

He took half of what his manager did in reading over the vital information before giving the pass back.

“It was lucky that I decided to take a walk around here. I almost went home, just now,” she confessed to him while putting the lanyard on again. “These things certainly have a way of working themselves out.”

“I guess they do,” Keith said before taking a drag. Finally, a verbal response.

Allura smiled with an agreeing nod. “You really were amazing, tonight.”

“Thanks,” Keith said when he opened his mouth to let the smoke out. He took care to turn his head away and not blow it in her face, as though he had control over where the wind directed it.

She was beginning to understand why he often chose not to participate in the interviews that Black Lion gave. She wouldn’t hold it against him. The fact that he was even still here was good enough for her.

He then said something odd to her. Odd, but all too familiar an assumption, when it came to Allura. “Shiro’s in there, somewhere. You just gotta look.” He pointed with his cigarette towards the back door.

“Why does everyone think that? I do not, nor have I ever expressed, any interest in Shiro! I specifically came to see _you_ , Keith.” Allura tried to soften her tone at the end there, as it wasn’t his fault that people often mistook her for just another groupie.

Her outburst had next to no effect on him. From what little she could read from his expression, it had confused him. Keith gave her another once-over before he raised an eyebrow and spoke again. “What’re your favorite songs?”

“It isn’t so much a collection of songs as it is just one,” Allura answered.

“Only one?” Keith asked.

Allura nodded in earnest. “Any other song I can think of doesn’t compare to it. And it would not be wise to discuss such a song with anyone other than you.”

“Okay. So which one is it?” Keith tapped out some loose ashes onto the concrete.

“‘Gravitational Pull,’” said Allura, spitting it out to be rid of the anxious dread it filled her with.

“Y-you can’t be serious.” The accusation almost had her leaping out of her skin. His body went rigid at the very mention of the song and he appeared to be trying to shrink against the brick wall behind him.

Allura held her ground as if nothing were the matter. “I’m quite serious. Why is that so difficult to believe?”

Again Keith was having trouble with his words, opting for another inhale rather than an actual answer to her question.

“It isn’t anything to be ashamed of,” she insisted, in the hopes that it would help coax them out.

“You don’t sound too sure of that,” he replied once he seemed to relax.

Allura sighed. Were all artistic types like this, when it came to their own brilliance? “I could never feel shame or guilt over that song. Not after it did so much for me.”

Keith didn’t make any more observations afterward.

They fell into another awkward silence. The only sound to fill the dead air between them was the muted chatter from inside the lounge. Allura began humming after a while to add to the ambience, just to keep herself from going crazy. Eventually her made-up tunes turned into snippets from Black Lion’s earlier songs. She couldn’t help herself, she supposed. That was her excuse for humming the melody to 'Gravitational Pull' at least. If Keith wasn’t going to talk about it, then Allura was going to get it out of her system somehow.

Her humming caught Keith’s attention. Even when she was looking elsewhere, she could feel him boring into her. His eyes burned such deep holes in her that Allura had to look at him, sooner or later. Unfortunately for her, she’d let herself go from humming to quietly singing. “...I choose to live,” Allura finished with.

He stiffened a second time when she sang the lyrics that carried such an important weight. He seemed to feel the same about them, although that could’ve just been projection on her part. It most likely was.

“I was going through something rough, when it first aired. The night it played on my radio is one I will not soon forget.” This wasn’t how the confession was supposed to go in her head. No, not at all. Allura continued on. Once she started, she found it difficult to stop. “One minute, I was standing on the rooftop, just staring down at the world. The next, I found myself walking away from that ledge and returning to my room. The only thing that tuned it all out was that song.”

If there were ever a time to fear being under Keith’s gaze, it was in that moment. Allura had long since stopped trying to meet it halfway through her confession, keeping instead to her shoes. Her reflection in a nearby puddle of rainwater told her it was a smart move to let her head hang. She looked so pitiful and small. But while she saw her own face, she also saw his in that puddle. There was no longer any ice in his eyes. Although they had a faraway look in them, that wasn’t all Allura picked up on. Now they were much more empathetic, more soulful. Allura raised her head to get a better view of that tender emotion.

Keith glanced in the opposite direction when he caught onto what she was trying to do. His lips parted only a touch, as though he wanted to say something after all. But he closed them, in the end.

“I don’t think I would be standing here, were it not for you…” Allura got it out into the open while she had a mind to. She tucked a few dyed white curls behind her ear.

He remained quiet, still wrapped up in a time and place removed from their present conversation.

Allura creased her brow with concern. To be honest, she didn’t really think about what kind of response she wanted from him when formulating this plan to seek him out. It hadn’t been as important, at the time. But there was something about this new silence that suggested she might have gone too far. If Keith decided to leave right now, she wouldn’t blame him in the slightest.

A group of bar employees entered the alley, just then. She thanked them internally for providing a well-timed distraction and moved aside to let them through.

“Thanks for telling me,” he said. His tone of voice was warmer, too.

She bit her bottom lip and fiddled with the hem of her skirt. He could have replied with something much worse, really. She took comfort in knowing that much. What came next caught her off guard in the best possible way.

“The party’s probably still going on,” Keith told her after she neglected to say anything else. “You wanna hang with me, for a little while?”

Allura made full eye contact with him when asked that, a faint smile on her face. “I would love to.”

He finished off the remainder of his cigarette before stomping it out near a trash can. Keith then led Allura up the stairwell and held the door open for her.

Hunk was closest to the door when the couple entered the lounge. “Uh, what’s she doing here? I thought she went home or something,” he said to Keith.

“She’s with me, don’t worry about it,” Keith answered, continuing to lead Allura through the lounge as if randomly inviting in a fan without the manager’s knowledge was a normal thing to do.

Allura said nothing about the situation. She only followed close behind Keith until they were farther away from the other band members and their groups, however many were still here. The number of fans was thinning out as the hours went on, but Keith kept his distance from them, making sure that he and Allura would have somewhere comfortable to sit.

He settled on a corner with soft looking armchairs near the only set of windows in the room. Keith then grabbed his guitar case from the side of the armchair, leaning back until he was truly at home.

She plopped down across from him in the other chair. Joy swelled in her as she watched him take the cherry red instrument into his hands, cradling it close to him. Allura couldn’t believe it. Keith was actually going to play for her.

“I don’t sing great on my own,” Keith said while making a few adjustments to its tuning, “but I’ll do the whole thing since you like ‘Pull’ so much.”

“Oh, but I like your singing,” said Allura.

Keith gave her one of his rare, beautiful smiles. He let his eyes concentrate on the guitar strings. “F-from the top…”

The opening riff to ‘Gravitational Pull’ flowed into the room like a stream of water. Immediately Allura felt the shift in mood, bringing down the excitement to a mellow lull. That was enough to get her heartstrings going, but she kept her composure. There would be time for emotional applause and whatnot after his impromptu performance. No need to ruin the moment. The rougher tone in Keith’s voice added something special to the song without any other vocals to distract from it. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Allura closed her eyes for a second to truly drink it in.

When she opened them again, Allura noticed that the conversations around her were few and far between. She looked over her shoulder. Apparently, she wasn’t the only one enjoying the acoustic session. Pidge, Hunk and Shiro had their attention on Keith. Lance was still by the door, though now he looked at Keith with a smile on his face. Even some of Shiro’s fangirls were leaning over the couch to see what was going on.

Allura wondered if Keith knew he had a larger audience than he expected to. She smiled and pulled her knees up to her chest, her heels falling off of her feet. Hopefully he wouldn’t mind the extra attention. It was a good sign.

Her phone was going off as Keith brought them all into ‘Gravitational Pull’s chorus. Good thing she’d left it on vibrate, because Allura had no intention of answering it right now. Coran would just have to settle for a text when this was all over. Nothing would come between her and the reason for her recovery, not even her godfather.

**Author's Note:**

> An enormous thank you to hearmyvoiceoftreason, flusteredkeith, longhairpidge and infp-tuna for beta reading this fic as well as lending me some sound advice regarding the direction it was going in. Y'all are incredible. <3 
> 
> 'Gravitational Pull' is based on the very real song 'Gravity' by A Perfect Circle. [You can listen to it here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP43SWpYsGs)


End file.
